In my mind, emotional abuse is the conscious act of degrading a loved one to such an extent that the victim’s spirit is eventually devastated.

Interestingly enough, many experts focus on the victim as someone who rarely has the strength or the inclination to break free or to take action to make it stop.  While this may be true in many situations, what about those who do have the strength to fight back?  What about the victims who do not judge all of their reactions in anticipation of how the abuser will respond?

These are the victims who, for any number of valid reasons, have to face the prospect that it might not be as simple as just walking away.

Assuming there is no physical violence involved, there might very well be circumstances where walking away could potentially create more serious repercussions than attempting to find peace.  For example, if there are children involved, would their welfare and livelihood be seriously impaired from a permanent split?  Or what if the victim would suffer serious financial hardship from a breakup?  Would walking away be more devastating than trying to deal with the problem itself?

Bear in mind, this is not about convincing yourself that you cannot live without your abuser – that his or her absence from your life would be so emotionally devastating that you simply could not bear the loss.  To the contrary, this is about facing certain realities in life and recognizing that if a resolution is possible, then perhaps working towards that resolution is a prudent decision.

Consider these very personal solutions:

1.  First, recognize that the emotional abuse has nothing to do with you.  Abusers are bullies who thrive on control.  Control is achieved- among other actions – by degradation, blaming, belittlement, constant criticism, or humiliation.  The abuser’s need to control is a reflection of his or her weakness – not yours!

2.  Accept responsibility not for your abuser’s actions, but for your actions.  Victims with a will to defend themselves almost always start with words.  Unfortunately, explaining to your abuser that you will not take any more of the abuse is simply not enough.  Haven’t you learned already that your abuser might exercise his or her best behavior for a few hours or a few days only to revert right back to the abuse?

Show your abuser through your actions that you will no longer tolerate the emotional abuse.  Make tangible changes in your life – change your own routine, find new activities away from the relationship, and most of all, change your attitude.  Your actions will be a reflection of that attitude change.  The abuser will test you.  Despite all your best efforts, he or she will probably revert back to the abusive behavior.  Don’t allow it!  Your duty to yourself is to show your abuser that you are serious – that the emotional abuse will not be tolerated.  You must be persistent – you owe it to yourself.  Don’t allow things to get back to “normal”.

3.  Understand that this is a process.  Your predicament will not change overnight.  With time, you alone will know when or if the time has come to supplement your actions with communication.

What if your abuser responds to your actions with more criticism, more abuse?  What if your abuser does what is so classical of abusers – he or she turns the tables in his mind and blames you for damaging the relationship?  Chances are, reconciliation and peace are not in your future.  You are going to have to face the very real prospect of moving on alone.  Simply put, you cannot allow yourself to continue as a victim of emotional abuse.

4.  Judge from your partner’s actions whether or not your actions and attitudes are having a positive impact.  Are there signs of genuine remorse?  Has there been a sincere and specific apology?  Has the abusive behavior stopped?

The reality is, reconciliation simply cannot exist in a situation where there is no genuine remorse.  Prolonged actions, not words, are the only means for judging the validity of true remorse.

5.  Successful healthy relationships thrive on compromise and negotiation where the parties work as a team to build and sustain their relationship.  When and if you believe that the time has come to “re-negotiate” your relationship, fortify your actions with your words.  Emphasize that you will no longer tolerate the emotional abuse.  Measure your partner’s response in terms of his or her actions alone.  If you can work together to actively redefine your relationship boundaries , chances are you will succeed.

6. Know when to let go.  If your abuser shows no remorse, if his or her actions defy his words, if the emotional abuse continues, you have but one choice.  Find the means to leave.

In a nutshell, what distinguishes a healthy relationship from an unhealthy relationship are the attitudes and desires of the partners involved.

Unhealthy relationships are not about compromise and communication.  Unhealthy relationships are about selfishness and manipulation and control.  Unhealthy relationships are never about accepting imperfection, nor are they just about arguing.  They are about placing blame for all imperfections on the other partner.

Even in a healthy relationship.  Partners argue.  They don’t agree on everything.  In fact, they might disagree on major issues.  When they get really angry, they might not even speak to each other for a time.  But in the end, they do speak.  In fact, they don’t just speak, they communicate.  They communicate with honesty, not fearing repercussion.  They communicate by listening.  They communicate with forgiveness and acceptance – acceptance that life is not perfect, nor are relationships.  They commit to compromise on some issues and to agree to disagree on others.  And in the end, the relationship works.  In fact, it grows and prospers.  It truly is a blend of the positive strengths of the partners.

Conversely, unhealthy relationships never prosper – at least not for both partners.  Unhealthy relationships cannot and should not be saved.

And yet too many people who are involved in them refuse to accept that.  Instead, they believe their partner “will change”.  In the end, they become trapped.

Love is not unhealthy.  An unhealthy relationship is not based on love.  It is based on selfishness and control and deception.  He/she will not change.  You must.

The question is, can you set yourself free from an unhealthy relationship?  Of course you can – if you want to.  Leaving is not about excuses to stay – it is about a realization that the relationship is toxic.

Victims of unhealthy relationships have at least one thing in common – the pain is overwhelming.  While the pain is certainly valid, its energy must be channeled in more positive directions.  Seizing control is about releasing that pain and refocusing on the future.

Begin by understanding that unhealthy relationships are generally characterized by three forms of abuse.

Manipulation

Ultimately an abuser’s goal is to manipulate and manage what the victim thinks of him or her.  He/she is not attempting to reconcile his or her conduct.  To the contrary he/she is seeking to justify it with excuses, rationalization, and scapegoats.  In so doing, the motive is to get the victim to submit, and eventually to convince the victim that the abuser really isn’t a bad person after all.

Lying and deception

An abuser uses lying to deceive and  to misdirect attention.  Misdirecting attention can be as obvious as not telling the whole truth.  It’s not about what the abuser is saying –  it’s about what he/she is not saying.

An abuser uses lying as a tool to control and manipulate his or her victim and anyone who might remain associated with him or her.

Shifting blame

Abusers do not take responsibility for their behavior.  They shift the blame.

Shifting blame to the innocent party is meant to transfer complete responsibility for all problems to the victim.  This serves to make the victim feel guilty.  Simply by reacting to this type of emotional harassment, the victim endures intense misplaced feelings of guilt.  This enables the abuser to refuse to resolve the problems that he could care less about.

One of the most important lessons we can learn from an unhealthy relationship is the lesson not to allow history to repeat itself.  Step one of that lesson is to stop feeling as if you did something wrong.

Understand that you have a chance to make positive changes in your life.  That alone gives you the power to get your life back.  You can make changes, you can move on.

Are you involved in an unhealthy relationship?

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